old age of youth
by totem
Summary: You know that one special friend that you grow up with, well what happens one day when you find him to be dead? How do you live? How do you continue? Follow Phoebe threw the hardest times! FOllow her thoughts and emotions. WARNING grab them tissues!rnCom
1. Default Chapter

Hey guys just a short – something that had been bouncing around my her in a French exam. Not to good at the French so I wrote instead LOL.  
It's only a short Fic. Sorry that i haven't updated in a long time - life got real hectic but keep a look out and i'll be updating on the fics!

A little back ground info –

Phoebe grew up with a group.  
Herself, Rick and Dean. The three of them vowed that they'd live and die together, when they were old!

As there life's continued things got more difficult, Dean moved away from San Francisco. Phoebe got pregnant at a young age, the father bailed she gave birth to a little boy called Luke.

Rick and Phoebe were good friends, the two of them were constantly together. Rick was the only guy Luke had had in his life. Rick stuck by her threw it all, promised her he was here to stay but plans didn't work out…

Okay then I'm fully aware that this may be very confusing and I'm real sorry if it is, it was just something that hit my muse hard.

Lyrics used are from Artist: Ana Johnson – we are  
I don't own them

And why I'm on the disclaiming. All characters that you recognize are owned by the creators of charmed which sadly I am not!

Once again I'm sorry if this is senseless babble stuff. If you have any questions feel free to post!

TOTEM 


	2. PART 1

**Old age of youth**

Do you remember the care free days?  
We used to share in our youth,  
We were inseparable.  
Me and you friends till the end.

The end came sooner than either of us would have like,  
Did you ever think about what it'd be like with out you?  
Ever think that maybe I needed you?  
Where do I go now?

Was the barrel the easy option?  
We planed our whole futures, you the uncle to my kid,  
Who were you kidding, he just lost his dad  
Where did it go so wrong?

You always talked to me – why was this time so different?  
I learn of your despair in a blood covered letter  
The first I know of your grief was the day I found your body,  
YOU HAD OPTIONS – I was the option!

I was always there for you and you were there for me,  
How did it get this way,  
How can this ever be alright?  
Life is dead, when you chose your own way out!

You took me with you, killed us both, still even after death we are friends till the end

...an end too soon...  
you chose this way…  
I never had a say…  
I just have to live in it…  
Live here with out you


	3. PART 2

PArt 2

Phoebe Halliwell sat in the arm chair looking into the fire, it burned away roaring violently, she had a guitar propped on her lap as she strummed away. Not even realizing it she started to play, play something that she hadn't in a long time. The sounds of the notes were interrupted when the front door was thrown open and her solitude was interrupted by laughing, and talking. She continued to stare into the fire and strum. It was then that the foot steps of a five year old Luke could be hared bounding through the hard wood floors in the manor. Followed by a heavy and steady sound of the army boots, that nineteen year old Paige was wearing.

"mommy?" He beamed, "Look, look what awnty Paige brought me" He was brandishing a cap in his hand waving, Phoebe looked towards her son and although feeling like crap, wanting to just hide away and cry she knew that she had to be strong for him so she plastered on a smile, "Hey dude" She lifted the guitar and place it down so it was leaning against the chair. Standing up she swept Luke up into her arms, and sat him on her hip, "She did, did she? Well that's nice of her, did you say thank you?" Luke nodded, "Yup, and she did bye, wice cweam!"  
"You got some ice cream huh?"  
"Chocolate" He said as a matter of fact,  
"Well sounds like you had a great time today?" Phoebe smiled,  
"I did" He answered wide eyed, then he noticed the guitar, "Were you playing uncle wicks stringy?"  
Phoebe at first didn't understand then she looked to where Luke's little hand was pointing "Uncle Rick's guitar!" She said softly, then she realized Luke was looking at her for an answer, "Oh, yeah, mommy was playing with…Uncle Rick's guitar."  
"He's said he played better than you" Luke said again, Phoebe wanted to cry at the innocence of her son. She remembered that fight like yesterday. Rick and herself were sat on the double bed in her room, he had been playing away with the guitar showing off claming to be better that Phoebe, "Wemember mommy?" HE asked  
"Yeah, I remember…" She said softly,  
"Where is Uncle wick?"

Phoebe looked over to Paige, she was so lost right now – what was she meant to say, "Well you see son, Rick shot himself in the head! Yeah, you won't be seeing him again!"

Paige saw Phoebe, she saw her sister's reaction. The fear, sadness and loss all rolled into one. "Hey Dude, how about you go and wash up. Try getting Aunty Pipe to hurry it up with the grub?" Paige smiled as she took her nephew from Phoebe who was just looking sadly at him. Paige put him to the floor, "Good boy, tell Piper about your day and well be in for dinner in a sec"  
"Okay" HE said as he ran out the room with a smile on his face oblivious to the emotions he left behind.

Paige stood and looked at her sister, she saw Phoebe was lost in her own thoughts and knew they were all about him. "Honey?" She asked, Phoebe held back the tears, "What? What could I…say?" She asked  
"Nothing…he wouldn't have been able to comprehend it Phoebe"  
"I can't comprehend it Paige – I don't understand WHY?" She said sadly as the tears that were so often streaming down her face fell again.

Paige stepped forward and Pulled Phoebe into her arms, "Dude, come on sit down" Paige guided Phoebe, the twenty two year old who's life was so much more complicated that it should be to the sofa. "I don't think anyone can understand why?" Paige explained  
"Paige I was, was there for him…he could have talked to me. I would have helped"  
"I know that Phoebe! I know that you would have"  
"What about Luke, how do I…tell him?"  
"I don't know the answer to that; I just know that you need to sort it out in your own head before you try and explain."  
"Yeah that may take a while"  
"I understand"

"He was much better on that god damn thing than me, I remember that fight like it was yesterday" Phoebe smiled sadly threw her tears. "We were up in my room, Rick was lay on the bed, the guitar on his lap strumming away. Luke was sat next to him, listening to that thing. He sang to Luke, I remember him telling him how much he loved him…Luke gave him a huge hug!" Phoebe looked down at her hands, then at the fire "I was sat on the windows sill and I remember whishing that Rick was Luke's father, not…and it was than I realized that he was in fact a father to Luke, and couldn't have done more for him. I was happy – seeing him teaching Luke to play. You know doing the thing that a dad does…" Paige sat listening to Phoebe as tears stung the back of her own eyes, "… then Rick started debating who was better, he said something like – 'you're a natural Luke, and you can't get worse that your mom' we fought about that for hours. But he was the best, always was!" Phoebe whipped away the tears as she lay back onto Paige's arm, "I'm scared" She admitted after the longest time, time filled only with silence. "I'm scared, Paige I can't remember a time without him, since we were kids its been Rick and me and now I'm alone and scared"

"Your not alone honey you have three sisters here with you and all there very protective boyfriends, your not alone, I'm here when ever you need me" Paige reassured.  
"Rick said that to me, the day Luke was born…he was in my hospital room I was freaking because Luke's dad bailed and I wouldn't have been able to do it alone Rick told me 'I'm here for you, always have been always will be' he's not here now! And I miss him so much. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to get threw this funeral…threw the rest of my life"


	4. PART 3

…you're still gone

Saw the house today; you know the one we had dreamed about when we were young  
Had the picket fences, the flowers in the garden – we would have got that dog too,  
It was Like the dream, but then when I looked to the front door I realized,  
My dream could never be a reality, our dream  
Because you're still gone!

Luke got that basketball,  
I watched him playing on the drive – he was alone.  
But when he shot, and it was all net  
I knew you were there with him, teaching him, guiding him just like you'd promised.

I feel you around the corner Rick, I no you're not far and it's just even more frustrating, knowing I can't get to you!  
Nothings the same and I still miss you.  
But when I'm playing the guitar and I just so happen to sing our song I know you're around, still speaking to me, you're by my side just like you promised.

I cry still,  
I hate you at times,  
I'm angry with you  
But I've never stopped loving you  
Just like I promised, you'd always be a part of me.

If you were here now I wonder…  
Imagine…  
But then I realize  
No matter ho much I wish none of it will come true, none of it…  
Because you broke your promise and…

You're still gone!


	5. PART 4

Phoebe stood from the car, she turned back around and lifted her son from the seat next to her. Piper and Leo were getting out of the front of the car and they couldn't describe the pain felt by there sister. Phoebe couldn't even talk to them she was doing her best right now to keep it together. She shut the door and looked up at the huge church. She was unsure as to the amount of time she had been doing this but Luke had his head rested against Phoebe's shoulder he knew that this was a time to not make a noise, to just be quiet. When Phoebe looked down from the church she turned to see that a group had formed by the car. Along with Leo and Piper, Paige, Richard, Prue and Andy had appeared. Phoebe looked from them to the floor and then she turned and walked away, up the steps towards the doors where people were walking into.

Paige watched after her sister then looked to the rest of them, "She's not doing too good"  
"Would you be?" Prue asked, "She's burying her best friend, she had to tell her son the closest thing that he got to a dad had to go away…all we can do is be there when she breaks down."  
"If she breaks down" Paige offered  
"She will, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but she will at some point let all this out" Piper offered. The also emotional sisters had known Rick for years he had become like a brother to them. The followed, up the stairs each sister been supported by there other half.

Phoebe walked into the huge room, she walked slowly threw the crowds and down to the pews near the front. She stood her son on the bench, "You okay baby?" She asked, He was holding onto her really tight as he looked towards the alter. Phoebe noticed how scared he looked. "Hey solider, you look scared baby…you want to ask mommy something before everyone gets here?" Phoebe sat next to him and he knelt on her lap and spoke quietly into her ear, "You said, dat I'd say bye to Uncle wick!"  
"You say by to him in her baby" She said quietly as he own tears started to fall. She whipped them away softly and hugged Luke even more protectively and pointed to his heart. "I don't get to see hims?" Luke whispered again.  
"No baby, you don't…Rick's always with you though you know that right?"  
"I don't want to says bye"  
"Me neither honey…"

Phoebe felt Paige sit behind her and put her hand on Phoebe's shoulder, "Hey sis, you okay?" Phoebe turned to Paige, Luke was hugging Phoebe tightly and Paige saw Phoebe's eyes were red with crying. "I can't do it" She managed softly, and then she saw the large doors open and a guy walking in. He had a pair of black trousers on, a black shirt with the collar open. Phoebe stood up slowly, all of the sisters and the boyfriends who were sat in the row with Paige noticed this. The church had a few People in but it was practically quiet each paying there own respects. Phoebe looked to Luke, "Soldier sit with Aunty Paige okay?" She asked, He just nodded and Phoebe handed him to Paige.

Phoebe looked over to the guy, she whipped the tears from her eyes, and she shook her head sadly he nodded his head and walked down the isle. As he got to Phoebe who was stood still he ran his and over her arm, and looked into her eyes, "Holding" he said as he pressed his forehead against hers,  
"Tight" She spoke weakly,  
"Falling" he asked  
Phoebe nodded, "Fast"  
Reaching into his pocket he took out a chain and a ring. He then looked back at her, "Do you have them?" HE asked  
Nodding she took a ring of her own finger that matched the one that the guy was holding, a white gold band then she reached for another around her own neck. Ripping off the chain she handed it to him. He nodded tears silently running down both of there faces, as he thread all of them onto the chain. Once he had he looked back up to Phoebe, "Ready?" He chocked out softly, she nodded sadly as he put an arm around her waist for support she lent into him and the two of them then continued to the coffin when he got there he ran his hand over the surface and then Phoebe and himself stood at the top. Placing the rings on the surface of the solid oak coffin both of them were crying now.

"What happened to us man?" The guy asked, "We agreed not till we were real old, not till we were old and all lived out" He choked through sobs, "We were going to all die together remember from the awful god damn food at a nursing home or something"

Both were looking at the rings on the side, looking at the engraved rings. One with a P, the other a R and the last D. These were rings that the three of them had got when they were younger, had them ever since. They had agreed the first to die would have the rings buried with them, it was breaking the bond the three of them had sheared. Phoebe put her arm around Dean's waist, and lent forward kissing the coffin top. "You'll always be apart of me Rick … always!"

Phoebe and Dean turned around and walked back to the pew where they were sat, Paige mover up so they could both sit there. Once the two of them had sat Phoebe buried her head into Dean who had his own arm around her shoulders. She was beyond hurt it was destroying her, and he was also having trouble with it all.

The church had began to fill up, The sisters had no idea what to do, they just watched as this guy comforted her, they recognized the guy but none of them but Paige knew exactly who he was. Luke was pressed into Paige's chest as he sat and watched his mom cry, unable to understand any of this. The sisters were also finding this hard, this was a man they considered a brother dead…it hurt them all, but devastated Phoebe. 

-

Phoebe listened to the priest talk it was a drone all that was going through Phoebe's mind was all of the times herself and Rick had spent together. And she was brought out of them when she found her time to go and stand up had come. Standing from Dean's arms she walked slowly to the alter stopping briefly and looking at the coffin… then she walked up the steps and over to the podium. The whole of her family watched, praying that she had the strength to do this.

She looked out across the congregation, then back to the coffin and then down to her hands, once again back up at the people sat in front. "Rick!" She said softly, then she cleared her throat, "Rick was…" Looking at the coffin she started again, "HE was my best friend…and I know, I know he's standing next to me screaming, 'Halliwell sit the hell down'" She smiled sadly, "He didn't like been the center of attention he was just happy to…to fade into the back ground. Well…today, he'll fade away for ever" She took a deep breath, "But I'm going to give you all a… a little something to remember him by, to remember the kind of guy Rick was…the guy that all of us here remember. Some of you…knew him from school, some from work…and the rest of you are people that he…he made an impact on throughout his short life."

Phoebe took another seep breath as she whipped another tear away, "if it wasn't for Rick I wouldn't be standing her right now… he never turned his back on me in times when I wouldn't have blamed him. I ask you now don't forget Rick, don't let him fade away. Be it for his smile that lit up the room, the sense of humor that will be missed greatly or the songs he sang just don't let him fade away! Here's a song, Rick played at time's when he thought it impossible to continue –it was to give himself strength. When People doubted in him, people condemned him, told him how they wanted him to live. Rick was his own guy and we all loved him for it... Phoebe pressed play on the CD player and Rick's voice filled the church as everyone was stuck in there own memories.

-See the devil on the doorstep now (my oh my)  
Telling everybody oh just how to live their lives  
Sliding down the information highway  
Buying in just like a bunch of fools  
Time is ticking and we can't go back (my oh my)—

Phoebe moved her hand and pushed it threw her hair as she listened to the voice of her friend, her soul mate fill the place. She remembered so much, so clear but knew that she'd never get it back. Her hand shook, and she was finding it difficult to walk as she cried hard.

-What about the world today  
What about the place that we call home  
We've never been so many  
And we've never been so alone-

Phoebe did feel alone, she felt empty without him. She was looking at the coffin where he was lay inside and felt so much pain. Her world was empty; she had a hole in her heart which felt like it had been torn apart.

-You keep watching from your picket fence  
you keep talking but it makes no sense  
you say we're not responsible  
but we are, we are-

Knowing all the reasons she loved him, she needed him and she wanted him she was unsure as to how she could continue.

-You wash your hands and come out clean  
Fail to recognize the enemies within  
You say we're not responsible  
But we are, we are, we are, we are  
One step forward making two steps back (my oh my)  
Riding piggy on the bad boys back for life  
Lining up for the grand illusion  
No answers for no questions asked  
Lining up for the execution  
Without knowing why-

-It's all about power then  
Take control  
Breaking the rule  
Breaking the soul  
They suck us dry till there's nothing left  
My oh my, my oh my  
You keep watching from your picket fence  
You keep talking but it makes no sense  
You say we're not responsible  
But we are, we are  
You wash your hands and come out clean  
Fail to recognize the enemies within  
You say we're not responsible  
But we are, we are, we are, we are  
What about the world today  
What about the place that we call home  
We've never been so many  
And we've never been so alone... so alone  
It's all about power then (we are)  
Take control (we are)  
Breaking the rule (we are, we are)  
Breaking the soul (we are)  
They suck us dry till there's nothing left (we are, we are)  
My oh my, my oh my We are-

The song finished and the whole church fell into silence, Phoebe was crying so much now her vision was a blur, she looked out to the people. "He was someone great, someone who we all were lucky to know. And if he touched you like he has me then I know he will be greatly missed just don't let him fade away. Don't let him be forgotten"


	6. PART 5 FINAL

**Ashes to ashes…Dust to Dust**

I watched as they lowered you down into the ground,  
The rain fell hard as if knowing…  
My life must continue for my son,  
But my life has ended with yours.

It's over, my youth ended  
Your youth gone with your future  
Mine gone with you  
I'd take your place with out hesitation

I just whished you'd talked to me about it,  
I could have helped you  
Why did you do it?  
End it all – our dreams, hopes and future

I'm holding onto our past, it's all of you I have left

You proved them wrong – they said you couldn't but you did  
They doubted, condemned and put you down before giving you a chance  
You're higher than all of them,  
Showed them you didn't need them.

We managed to get through; we got further than either of us thought at one time,  
Remember that one summer  
I was going to end it all  
you talked me free

I gave you that chance – to help  
You never let me try

What about the place that we sheared,  
the special place in my heart now left empty?

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust  
Watching as you're lowered, I crumble to my knees  
My friend, my life  
How? When? Why?  
I didn't want it to come to this, to end like this

You managed to do it though, you took control,  
You did it all; you proved them wrong and showed you had the power  
You showed them that you could end this.

Ashes to ashes dust to dust with the flame of the gun you burned away!

-

-

-

guys that's the end thank you so much for reading and i am sorry that i havn't been around a whole lot! THANK YOU again TOTEM


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